


True Feelings

by lieutenantlush61



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:48:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22815712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lieutenantlush61/pseuds/lieutenantlush61
Summary: Valerie has tried. Tried to be happy for Lucille. But deep down she knew it was impossible. She saw the way they both looked at each other... Lucille and Cyril. It wasn't fair. Just as she felt Lucille was getting so close to her, she had been taken away, almost stolen from her. Just as she had allowed herself to feel these feelings. Valerie knew it was stupid, knew her feelings were one sided. But she had to do something. It was tearing her apart.
Relationships: Lucille Anderson & Valerie Dyer, Lucille Anderson/Valerie Dyer, Valerie Dyer/Trixie Franklin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	True Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> I had to write this. Valerie and Lucille need to be a thing. Bit angsty but good ending. Comments much appreciated. First fic so don't be too savage. Enjoy:) 
> 
> (Btw, "blady" is meant to be "bloody" in a London accent - don't kill me. When Valerie starts to rant her accent comes out more just saying lol)

Valerie has tried. Tried to be happy for Lucille. But deep down she knew it was impossible. She saw the way they both looked at each other... Lucille and Cyril. It wasn't fair. Just as she felt Lucille was getting so close to her, she had been taken away, almost stolen from her. Just as she had allowed herself to feel these _feelings_. Valerie knew it was stupid, knew her feelings were one sided. But she had to do something. It was tearing her apart.

She wasn't a good friend. When she had gathered hints that maybe things between Lucille and Cyril were not as rosy as they seemed, she couldn't deny the slight jump she felt in her heart. That slight hope. But of course, just the other day she had seen them laughing and making up, along with the nuns, who were all so genuinely happy for Lucille. It was easier to feign the happiness with them around her, but sometimes she worried her facade would falter. That's why she kept up a strong pretence. Almost teased Lucille about Cyril, like any other friend would. The other day at the dining table for example. She didn't do it for any other reason though than secretly hoping Lucille would imply she wasn't really speaking to him at the moment, or any other negative response. Valerie knew it was selfish. That's why when Lucille just responded with a shy smile and a blush in response to Valerie's question, it had felt like a punch to the stomach. Lucille was beginning to fall for _him_ and there was _nothing_ she could do. 

All this going on in Valerie's head was too much. She had other things to focus on. Like her Nan. She was ill, in a prison that was unbearable and it was all Valerie's fault. They all told her not to blame herself. Trixie could see it. The guilt that wracked her, completely weaved through her. "It's not your fault sweetie, you had to do the right thing". _The right thing for who though?_ Valerie would question herself as she lay there awake almost every night. _The right thing for my Nan?_ She knew she had saved lives, that what her Nan was doing was wrong. But others didn't see it that way. She had been removed. Removed from her family circle, the foundations of her being. She only had to walk into the Black Sail now-a-days and the whole bloody place would fall silent. She used to _work_ there, be a part of that. Not anymore.

Although she would never admit it to anyone, the guilt she was feeling wasn't just over her Nan either. Lucille, she was being unfair to Lucille. If she could have stopped what she felt in an instant, she would. So she could be a true friend to her, be a proper support. Be normal. Be like anyone else. 

Footsteps on the kitchen tiles behind Valerie suddenly startled her out of her train of thought. She frantically grabbed a handkerchief from the table and wiped at her face, in a poor attempt to remove any evidence she had been crying. She knew who it was behind her. Of course she did. She would know those footsteps anywhere. It was almost like she could sense Lucille and presence.

"I thought you'd still be out on your rounds" she coughed, covering up the emotion in her voice.

"I finished early, so I thought I'd come and see you. I didn't catch you in the morning."

Even the sweet sound of Lucille's voice grounded Valerie, and made her instantly relax. _God Dyer you've got it bad_ she thought and mentally scolded herself, before turning around to face Lucille. 

Valerie immediately saw the worry etch itself on to Lucille's pretty features, and had to will herself not to blush as she felt the other woman's eyes scan over her face. Valerie was aware Lucille knew her too well. It sometimes scared her and Valerie did wonder if the other woman knew what went on in her head; Valerie pushed that thought away as her light blue eyes met with Lucille's chocolatey brown. Obviously Lucille would know Valerie had been crying - Valerie had been kidding herself if she thought Lucille wouldn't notice. 

"Hey precious, what's wrong? You've been crying" Lucille sighed, and stepped closer to Valerie, reaching for her. 

Valerie flinched away. Not because she wanted to, but more because she knew she couldn't go there. Not tonight. If she let Lucille too close when she was feeling this vulnerable, Valerie wasn't sure what she would do. She couldn't be sure she would be able to control the build up of these _feelings_.

"Sorry," Valerie barely whispered in response,"been a bit jumpy recently, God knows why. Fancy a cuppa?" Lucille frowned, clearly thrown by earlier, but nodded anyway, and proceeded to sit down at the table. Valerie sighed in relief, as she grabbed the kettle and boiled the water. 

___________________________________________________

  
  


Valerie had tried to be as honest with Lucille as she could. As honest as she could be. She had told her about her Nan, the guilt she felt, the prison conditions. She had told her about how the community had almost erased her from her previous life. All of this was true. Of course Valerie avoided the other main issue that had been bothering her for many months now, as it had simply been sitting right in front of her. Comforting her, staring deeply at her with those big brown eyes, understanding. Holding Valerie's hands and making her feel _loved._ But Valerie felt guilty. All of this had a double meaning for her now. And that wasn't changing anytime soon.

Valerie heard a knock on the door as she lay on her bed. A few days had passed since her mini breakdown in the kitchen. All night she had been waiting to go out on call, but Trixie could see she wasn't in the frame of mind, so kindly took the first one instead. Valerie didn't see what good that would do, apart from giving her time to think. That was the worst. Sitting, doing nothing, and overthinking _everything_. 

"Come in" she called out, hardly moving from her stretched out position on the bed. The door hesitantly opened and Lucille appeared on the other side. She was wearing her pink fluffy nightgown, and frankly looked _adorable_. Valerie mentally kicked herself, sat up quickly, and smiled up at the other woman.

"Lucille, what can I do for you? Aren't you meant to be out with Cyril?" Of course Valerie knew Lucille was out with Cyril tonight. She had tried to put it out of her mind as best she could. 

"Yes well...I cancelled, in the end. Didn't really feel like going." Lucille sighed, motioning to question if she could lie next to Valerie. Obviously, Valerie was quick to move over. 

She and Lucille had done this before; shared beds, held hands. It all felt so different to Valerie now. Her heart was pounding, and she could barely comprehend what was happening as Lucille lay next to her. They both lay on their sides, turning to face one another. There was hardly any space between them. _You've got this Dyer, just please don't do anything stupid_ , Valerie repeatedly told herself as she caught Lucille's eye and flicked a reassuring smile her way. When she smiled back, Valerie relaxed. All good. 

"So," Valerie paused, trying to clear her voice, as it had gone very raspy all of a sudden. "Do you wanna talk about it? Why you didn't go? I know you've been finding it tough lately with work but I thought things were getting better? Hm?" 

"Why don't you have a boyfriend Valerie?" Lucille suddenly asked. The question took Valerie by surprise but not because of the context. More because the subject of conversation had suddenly been turned on to her very abruptly. Of course she always had an answer prepared for this _particular_ issue. _All people like her_ always did. 

"Well, they're more trouble than they're worth, aren't they, Lads?" She responded calmly.

"Hm" was Lucille's only reply, seemingly in agreement. 

"Ok Lu, what's he done? Has he upset you, cuz if he has I swear I'll blady-"

"He hasn't done anything. That's the problem. He hasn't even done anything wrong. I don't know, he just doesn't seem to understand me a lot. I try and talk to him, but I don't think he is interested in me, but expects me to be very interested in him and his work. He tries I suppose. He takes me out, buys me flowers, includes me…but there is something missing."

"What's missing then?" Valerie questioned, and swallowed as Lucille's shiny brown eyes met her blue. 

"He doesn't instantly make me smile when I see him, he can't make me laugh out loud with just a look. He doesn't comfort me and make me feel so safe and loved when something goes wrong. I can't talk to him for hours on end and wish I could stay there forever. He can't look at my eyes and tell immediately how I am feeling, can't take my hand and make me feel as if a rush passed through my entire body and heart. He can't take me out into London and make me feel completely at home as if I've known the place forever. He can't hug me and hold me so that I forget all the pain and hurt that I've been through and seen. I don't feel at home with him. He can't make me a cup of rum and hot chocolate or tea at night…. and love me. He can't love me the way I want him too…" a tear rolled down her cheek, " he just can't love me...like you do." 

Valerie lay there for a moment, admittedly speechless. She was rapidly trying to process everything. Yes, ok, she had probably cottoned on and had a feeling it could've been her Lucille was talking about at…' the talking for hours on end ' thing. Probably. Maybe a bit sooner. Valerie thought it was just her seeing everything the way she wanted to again. For all she knew, Lucille could have been talking about some other guy. Ok fine. She would definitely have known if Lucille had been meeting with some 'other guy'. Wow, this was really happening. Suddenly, it struck Valerie that Lucille looked as shocked as she did, and also looked as if she would burst into tears at any moment. _'Focus Dyer, you aren't the only one here about to have some sort of homosexual meltdown'_

"Erm," Valerie began, really at a loss for words…. "Well, I do love you too. More than anything actually. That's the problem you see, well it was, because you were, I mean are with Cyril and I couldn't just…I didn't know how you would react. If I told you, I could have lost you completely. I couldn't risk that. Risk you hating me. So I came to the conclusion that to love you as a friend would be enough, rather than losing you altogether. It would break me if I lost you. You know that, don't ya?"

"I do" Lucille whispered. There was a minute of silence as both of them looked at each other. "I'll take that as you agreeing to marry me then, right?" Valerie smirked, and Lucille shoved her nearly causing Valerie to fall off the bed. Lucille was laughing so much that when Valerie turned around with a face of utter shock, she was wiping tears from her eyes. 

"Right lady, you can't try and push me off my own bed and expect to actually get away with it." Valerie stated, trying not to smirk and feigning seriousness. 

"Valerie, it was an accident, I didn't mean it" Lucille laughed and then screamed as Valerie threw herself at her and began tickling Lucille all over, both of them laughing so much they could barely breathe. 

"Please Valerie, please stop" Lucille laughed, and her eyes met with Valerie's, now on top of her. The laughter died almost immediately, as Valerie was now gazing so intensely and lovingly down at Lucille. 

"I'll stop on one condition", Valerie started, and Lucille could see the mischief staring back at her through Valerie's sky blue eyes. 

Valerie leant down, and brushed her lips so lightly against Lucile's ear. "Kiss me" she whispered. 

Lucille, not trusting her voice at that moment, simply nodded. Valerie carefully lowered herself down so they were pressed against each other. Carefully bringing her right hand up to place on Lucille's cheek, Valerie leant in, Lucille meeting her half way. The moment their lips pressed together, Valerie felt a weight lift off her shoulders. They broke apart, and soon went back in for a more passionate kiss. Valerie knew then this was meant to be. She hadn't been wrong. This was love. 

Suddenly Lucille pulled away. "Valerie! You're wearing your uniform, it will be creased!" She frowned as Valerie just pulled her closer. 

" Lucille, who cares about the uniform?" They both broke out into fit of giggles, as they smiled into another kiss.


End file.
